I would also tell someone (or myself) that nobody wants to go through hell but if you can go through hellish circumstances with the Lord together, that refining fire will strengthen a bond the world cannot understand. The world’s definition of love is so weak compared to ours because we see marriage as a covenant with God and we walk through all circumstances with Him. What a privilege to witness each other changing into new people but together.
Love, love, love all of this! We're celebrating three years in June, and I so wish that these topics had been addressed when I was growing up. I'm thankful for the refining fire our marriage has been (praise God that He uses everything for our benefit, even when it's not what we may have wanted or hoped for), but I also believe we could be in a very different place if we had both been raised with a different foundation for marriage. Can't wait to read along!
Yes, agreed! If you don't read / follow the Bare Marriage ministry (they just published a new book that I'm currently reading) - they do an excellent job of combatting a lot of the traditional Christian teaching on marriage, but still keeping it Biblical.
I grew up outside the faith and had a lot of examples of marriages with strong matriarchs but not many where men and women were publicly making decisions together in all things. That really caused problems my first year married because I was too proud and outspoken. I didn’t let my husband handle things because I didn’t trust to do it correctly. I wanted control. Thankfully the Lord teaches us every day what it looks like to continually ask one another how a decision could affect our long term goals. But it would have been nice to see more examples of that mutual respect and power exchange early on.
Agreed! I think it's interesting that in many conservative cultures where there are the "traditional" gender roles, the home and family life actually become matriarchal even when they say they're patriarchal (usually because the dad is gone so often that the home and the family becomes exclusively mom's domain).
Yes, I think it's often the cliche of "do as I say, not as I do." where we say one thing but actually do another. Bare marriage did a study that found that the happiest marriages call themselves complementarian but in practice are actually team marriages, so they believe/say they are one thing but in practice are another.
Yes to #10! Marriage is (and should be!) different from dating. The everyday companionship of marriage might feel like drudgery if you expect it to feel the same as when you were going out on fun dates all the time. But it's much more sustainable to be a family and a team, with all the ups and downs that entails, than to constantly feel the pressure of wooing. I warned my husband when we were engaged that once we lived together, I wouldn't be treating him like a guest anymore. We would be family, and everyone in the family helps with chores! And we still do go on fun dates — but there's a lot more quiet working together in the mix.
Oh I'm so glad you get this one! I've brought it up in passing and women often don't like that thought. In fact, I hear the advice often to "keep pursuing each other" and I don't know why but that phrase just doesn't make sense to me. I get serving and loving one another, but pursuing implies that you haven't "gotten" what you're pursuing and just seems wrong to say about a married couple. I see comments from women in marriage groups all the time about how they want their husbands to woo them more and plan fund dates and buy them flowers regularly and it's like yes, those are nice things, but when the wives try to explain that to their husbands, the husbands don't get it, and I think it's because for the man, his brain switches from pursuit to we're now a team once the couple says I do, but the woman keeps expecting to stay in the pursuit stage. Idk, I haven't fully processed this to put into words well, but it's something I've observed that I've been thinking about.
Btw, yes to still going on dates and maintaining that fun you had while dating and engaged, but I don't think that making this the focus is sustainable or life giving for a marriage.
Agreed! I get that you can fall into the opposite problem of taking your spouse for granted, but I think newlyweds are more likely to have a problem of wrong expectations, like marriage will be a lifelong slumber party. (I've also only been married for four years, for context.) I asked my husband recently if he missed all the excitement of when we started dating, and he said, "No, that was stressful. Now I know you better and can trust you more." Commitment is actually freeing!
I would also tell someone (or myself) that nobody wants to go through hell but if you can go through hellish circumstances with the Lord together, that refining fire will strengthen a bond the world cannot understand. The world’s definition of love is so weak compared to ours because we see marriage as a covenant with God and we walk through all circumstances with Him. What a privilege to witness each other changing into new people but together.
Yes, praying this for more marriages! The hard times either make the marriage stronger than ever or cause a giant chasm in the marriage.
Also yes to watching your spouse grow and evolve - it can be tricky to navigate at times, but it is a good thing!
Love, love, love all of this! We're celebrating three years in June, and I so wish that these topics had been addressed when I was growing up. I'm thankful for the refining fire our marriage has been (praise God that He uses everything for our benefit, even when it's not what we may have wanted or hoped for), but I also believe we could be in a very different place if we had both been raised with a different foundation for marriage. Can't wait to read along!
Yes, agreed! If you don't read / follow the Bare Marriage ministry (they just published a new book that I'm currently reading) - they do an excellent job of combatting a lot of the traditional Christian teaching on marriage, but still keeping it Biblical.
I've never heard of them, but thank you! I'll definitely check it out.
I grew up outside the faith and had a lot of examples of marriages with strong matriarchs but not many where men and women were publicly making decisions together in all things. That really caused problems my first year married because I was too proud and outspoken. I didn’t let my husband handle things because I didn’t trust to do it correctly. I wanted control. Thankfully the Lord teaches us every day what it looks like to continually ask one another how a decision could affect our long term goals. But it would have been nice to see more examples of that mutual respect and power exchange early on.
Agreed! I think it's interesting that in many conservative cultures where there are the "traditional" gender roles, the home and family life actually become matriarchal even when they say they're patriarchal (usually because the dad is gone so often that the home and the family becomes exclusively mom's domain).
In a culture that values equality, it’s interesting how both ends of the spectrum can really struggle with it, huh?
Yes, I think it's often the cliche of "do as I say, not as I do." where we say one thing but actually do another. Bare marriage did a study that found that the happiest marriages call themselves complementarian but in practice are actually team marriages, so they believe/say they are one thing but in practice are another.
Yes to #10! Marriage is (and should be!) different from dating. The everyday companionship of marriage might feel like drudgery if you expect it to feel the same as when you were going out on fun dates all the time. But it's much more sustainable to be a family and a team, with all the ups and downs that entails, than to constantly feel the pressure of wooing. I warned my husband when we were engaged that once we lived together, I wouldn't be treating him like a guest anymore. We would be family, and everyone in the family helps with chores! And we still do go on fun dates — but there's a lot more quiet working together in the mix.
Oh I'm so glad you get this one! I've brought it up in passing and women often don't like that thought. In fact, I hear the advice often to "keep pursuing each other" and I don't know why but that phrase just doesn't make sense to me. I get serving and loving one another, but pursuing implies that you haven't "gotten" what you're pursuing and just seems wrong to say about a married couple. I see comments from women in marriage groups all the time about how they want their husbands to woo them more and plan fund dates and buy them flowers regularly and it's like yes, those are nice things, but when the wives try to explain that to their husbands, the husbands don't get it, and I think it's because for the man, his brain switches from pursuit to we're now a team once the couple says I do, but the woman keeps expecting to stay in the pursuit stage. Idk, I haven't fully processed this to put into words well, but it's something I've observed that I've been thinking about.
Btw, yes to still going on dates and maintaining that fun you had while dating and engaged, but I don't think that making this the focus is sustainable or life giving for a marriage.
Agreed! I get that you can fall into the opposite problem of taking your spouse for granted, but I think newlyweds are more likely to have a problem of wrong expectations, like marriage will be a lifelong slumber party. (I've also only been married for four years, for context.) I asked my husband recently if he missed all the excitement of when we started dating, and he said, "No, that was stressful. Now I know you better and can trust you more." Commitment is actually freeing!
Haha my husband says the same thing! And that in dating we can now do other fun things we couldn’t while dating 😂