10 marriage topics I wish were taught better in the Church

A new series + what I'd share with an engaged or newlywed woman if she asked me about married life

I recently set up section in my newsletter called "What I'd Tell You Over Coffee" - this will become a series for engaged and newlywed women on the topic of marriage. My vision for this is if I was having coffee with an engaged woman or a newlywed, and she asked me about married life, this is what I'd share.

I'm only four years into marriage, but from what I've heard from other couples married much longer, those first few years are pivotal, especially the first year.

I also know that my memories and lessons from these first few years will fade with time, so in a way, I want to document this while it’s still fresh in my mind for my own kids to read someday.

As I was thinking about what I'd like to include in this series, here are ten of the topics that came to mind that I’d share with a woman a few steps behind me in life if we were grabbing coffee (not an exhaustive list!).

Some of these topics I've already written about, others I hope to write about in the future, but it's all things I wish were talked about more often in the church to prepare and equip women to become wives and thrive in marriage.

The dominant / submissive dynamic often taught in Christian circles isn't the ultimate Biblical model for marriages.

Yes, it may work for some marriages, but team based marriages are Biblical too (in fact, I'd argue this is the better model, but that's a topic for another day!).

The majority of Christian marriages I saw growing up were very complementarian and for a long time, that made me weary of marriage because I longed for a marriage where I could build a life with someone, not for someone.

When God got a hold of my heart in my early twenties and I began to study what the Bible actually says about marriage, I realized that what traditional, conservative churches teach about marriage isn't the full picture and you can have a blessed, thriving marriage operating as a team. Every Christian marriage doesn't have to be the same and that's okay!

Respect isn't just for men and love isn't just for women.

I read Love & Respect before I got married and it made sense to me at the time. But actually being married and studying marriage in the Bible for myself? I'm realizing that advice is hogwash.

A marriage thrives because of mutual love and respect flowing both ways. In our marriage, if we wiped out one or the other for either party, our marriage would become seriously handicapped.

The teachings and conversations about submission in marriage are incomplete and one-sided in the church.

Churches often teach blind submission to one's husband, which makes sense given that complementarian gender roles are also often taught alongside topics like submission, but submission in marriage is actually so much more nuanced and life giving than that! I talked more about this here.

Sex is awesome for women too!

So much in evangelical circles is about how husbands need sex and it's a wife's "duty" to accommodate him. I also heard from many women at bridal showers and from newlyweds about how painful sex is for women. That made me go into marriage so fearful and weary of sex.

Well, those women and teachers didn't share the full story. That might have been their experience, but it doesn't have to be that way for every women and marriage.

Sex within marriage can be, and should be, pleasurable for and desired by the wife too, for it is something God gave us for mutual enjoyment, not just for husbands or for procreation only.

How to "merge" lives and build a shared family vision and identity.

This is especially relevant to anyone getting married in their late twenties and beyond when you've already become your own person in many ways. The process of merging lives and dreams to build something unique to your new family is one of the best things a couple can do for their marriage, but it can also be a challenging journey, which is why I wish newlyweds had more guidance on this.

It’s also we created the Dreaming Together Guide!

The identity changes that come with becoming a wife and mom - how to navigate this, that it can be a good thing, etc.

I knew getting married and becoming a mom bring a lot of change, but I confess that I wasn't really prepared for what kinds of changes and how to shift into the new growth.

I feel like four years in it's finally "clicking" for me and I so wish someone had better explained to me what was ahead and how awesome it can be - that you're not "losing" yourself but growing into something better.

Work and the Christian woman

So many thoughts on this but paring the options down two extremes: stay at home mom or full time working mom robs women of the potential God has for us.

Instead, I think more young women should be mentored and taught to steward their God-given skills and talents well, including choosing careers, jobs, degrees and opportunities that will provide them with good earning potential, flexibility and the ability to easily pivot through different life seasons.

I truly believe God equipped each woman with dreams, abilities and skills to work and participate in the marketplace, even as moms, but in the world we live in today, the conversation about work for women has become so muddy and polarized!

Leadership in marriage.

The traditional narrative for Christian marriages is that husbands must lead, and we especially love the term "spiritual leadership." In my opinion, trying to take that general directive and apply it to all Christian husbands is yet another way to handicap a marriage.

Every man will lead differently - being able to know how your husband leads and accepting him as he is, not how you were told or dreamed a husband should "lead" spiritually, is vital.

This applies to all other areas of married life - some women go into marriage with misguided expectations of their husbands and a lot of it is because "spiritual leadership" - and leadership in marriage generally - is often taught as if there is only way it can and should look like.

Similarly, wives are often told to be followers, but in my opinion, there are places where wives can "lead." In our experience and study of this, we've found that a marriage thrives best when a couple utilizes their strengths for the benefit of the family, not because someone out there determined that cooking is for women and reading the Bible with the kids is the man's role. A wife can "lead" in certain areas of the home and family life with the husband remaining "the head of the wife" (Ephesians 5:23).

How to speak up while still respecting your husband (and how to discern when to not say anything and let God handle it in His way and time).

This will vary by couple obviously - each of us receives constructive criticism differently - but the "iron sharpens iron" practice is very applicable to marriage, so I'd love to have heard from more married women on how they navigate this with grace, love and respect.

Shifting from pursuit to teamwork.

This one was a tricky one for me to navigate in the first few months of our marriage. When we were dating and engaged, I struggled with the feeling like Daniel was putting in most of the "work" in our relationship. When I shared that with him, he said to enjoy it because it's bringing him joy and once we get married, we'll become one and the dynamic will shift.

Before I got married, I was told a lot that "things will change after you get married," often said in a negative way, and so I worried about that, but now, I am realizing that it's maybe because we miss the nuance that "the pursuit" ends and evolves into something deeper after the wedding day. So, yes, things should change, but in a good way!

I wish more young women would be better equipped to understand and handle this transition from being the one who is being pursued to becoming one flesh and a team where you are no longer pursuing one another towards marriage, but together as a team, pursuing and building a family legacy and vision. I don't know if I explained that well at all or if anyone else went through something similar, but I'll delve into this more another day!

I'd love to hear from you! What do you wish more unmarried and newlywed women knew about marriage?

If you're engaged or a newlywed and have a specific question, reach out!

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