Every marriage won't look the same (and that's okay!)
How personality types impact marriage dynamics
What I’d Tell You Over Coffee is an imprint of Legacy Living featuring advice I'd share with an engaged or newlywed woman if you came over to my house for coffee☕. My take on living out Titus 2:3-5. A series for the woman who wants a team-based, thriving, healthy marriage.
This is part two of how my views on marriage have shifted since I got married. You can read part one here.
Have you ever noticed that the New Testament talks about only two married couples?
Mary and Joseph; and Priscilla and Acquila.
And really, the only description of how an actual real life marriage operated is of Priscilla and Acquila's marriage. From the little we know about them, they worked as tentmakers and did ministry together working, including planting a church in their home. Doesn't sound very complementarian, does it? But, I digress, it's not a big enough sample to conclude much 🙂
Everything else about marriage in the New Testament comes from two single men: Jesus and Apostle Paul, who both say that singleness is better than marriage because it allows you to fully be devoted to the things of Lord without the distractions that marriage brings. But, if you want to marry, marry to be equally yoked with a believer and marry for life to become one flesh. Paul also writes specific mandates to a wife and a husband individually.
To me, this means that as long as we are within the parameters of what the Bible sets out for marriage, we have the freedom to make our marriage suitable to us as a couple.
One of the issues I have with conservative religious teachings on marriage - which is often what trad wives subscribe to as well - is that it adds more to gender roles and the framework of what a Godly marriage should look like than what is in the Bible.
For example, they'll equate being a "keeper of the home" as meaning it's exclusively women's work to cook, clean and raise children.
But what about Jacob, Abraham, Lot and Job? All of these men were described making meals and cooking at one point (even though they all had servants too!). Were those men of God stepping outside of their God-given "gender roles"?
That's just one instance where we add "color" to a Biblical framework and then proclaim that our version is the Biblical truth that all Christians should abide by.
I've written before how these segregated gender role teachings may harm marriages by potentially building up a husband to a dominant role that God never intended for him, and putting down the wife to a doormat, which is also not what God intended.
Don't get me wrong, I have no doubt that there are thriving, healthy marriages with a complementarian structure.
But my point is, that is not the only structure for a thriving, healthy Christian marriage.
In my opinion, the type of structure for a marriage depends on the unique characteristics of the couple (as long it’s within the Biblical framework and there is no abuse / infidelity — that’s a whole different complex discussion).
In her book, Preparing to be a Help Meet, Debi Pearl classifies men into three types: the Prophet, the Priest, and the King (yes, I'm aware of the controversy around Debi and her husband. I do not agree with their teachings, but I have found her classification of the "types" of men and women is spot on).
Pearl's classifications offer a framework akin to a personality test, which I think is incredibly useful for understanding and preparing for different marital dynamics.
Note, men generally have all three types in them, but one of these types will be the "dominant" type:
“The Prophet”: Also known as the Visionary, this type of man is charismatic, confident, and always seeking change and new ventures. Marrying a Prophet means a life full of adventure; however, he requires flexibility and unwavering support from his spouse. The wife often plays the role of a cheerleader rather than a critical voice. The relationship thrives on loyalty and understanding the need for balance amid the Prophet's potential extremes.
“The Priest”: Representing stability, the Priest is steady, easygoing, and deeply thoughtful, avoiding extremes and conflicts. Wives of Priests can expect a harmonious and unhurried life. This type of marriage is the most likely to operate as team and partnership.
“The King”: Kings often find themselves in leadership positions and demand confidence and loyalty from their partners. They tend to follow traditional family roles, with expectations for their spouse to manage domestic duties and provide unwavering support, allowing the King to focus on achieving big-picture goals. Kingly types value respect and admiration, and over time, may become more yielding and reliant on their partners for support. This type of couple is likely to fall into the complementarian structure.
My husband is predominantly the priest type. He does have qualities of a Prophet in that he is the vision keeper for our family. But, unlike a man with a dominant Prophet type, my husband's vision is steadfast (a Prophet type of a man tends to jump from project to project, or vision to vision). My husband also has Kingly characteristics in that he is a respected and confident leader, but his leadership style is more of a servant leader, so that pushes him back into Priest territory.
Debi also categorizes women into three types but notes that it isn't as straightforward to put women into one of these "types":
"The Dreamer": similar traits to the Prophet Visionary Man; likely enjoyed creating, sewing, painting or writing as a little girl
"The Servant": similar in traits to a Priestly Man; likely someone who "mothered" younger siblings, a peacemaker, a caregiver personality; Biblical example: Ruth; modern example: trad wives
"The Go-To Gal": similar to the Kingly type of man; strong, capable, has strong opinions, good at organizing people
As we've all heard, "opposites attract" so it would make sense that Priestly men would be drawn to a Go-To Gals and Dreamers, while Kingly and Prophet type men tend to marry more Servant type of women (but this also does not mean that other combinations of these types don’t also work well - remember, these are generalities and won’t always apply the same to every situation).
Although I see all three types in myself, I would probably describe myself as primarily a mix of a Dreamer and a Go-To Gal.
Based on our “types”, it makes sense that Daniel's and my marriage thrives best as a partnership and why complementarism isn’t the best fit for us.
But, this also means that what works for our marriage may not be the best structure for your marriage, especially if you're married to a Prophet or a King; or if you would describe yourself as more of predominantly Servant type of woman.
So, if you're also someone who has tried to unsuccessfully make yourself or your marriage fit into the complementarian or trad wife structure, maybe the issue isn't with you, but with the added commentary we as humans have colored into Biblical teachings to make things more black and white.
Not every Christian marriage will operate exactly the same, and that's okay.
God provides an overall framework for what a Christian marriage should look like, but He's also created and equipped each individual and couple with unique spiritual gifts, talents, resources and vision.
Just like we each live out the Great Commission and God's calling to glorify His name and grow His kingdom in our own unique ways, our marriages will operate and thrive in different ways.
I love this quote from Sally Clarkson:
“Our dance was uniquely suited to our individual story.
Just as each of the couples in the ice-skating competition chose their own music and in a certain genre, melodies put to their own creative choice of moves and steps, so each of us has agency and freedom to craft the details of our own story to suit our personal decisions and desires.
No two marriages are alike. And there is no list of rules that can cover every potential conflict. Only a commitment to faith, love, and grace will energize the relationship.”
Contrary to what trad wives or conservative evangelicals may tell you, there are many ways to live out a Godly marriage, so prayerfully choose to build a life based on what works for your and your family in each season and in alignment with your family vision.
As long as you’re seeking God and within the bounds of His Word, then that is a Godly marriage!
I’d love to hear from you - do you and your husband fall into any of these “types”? How has that shaped your marriage?
P.S. If this resonated with you, I'd love for you check out our Dreaming Together & Legacy Guides - these are workbooks for couples to work through together to define a family vision.
The Dreaming Together Guide is great for engaged couples and newlyweds.
The Legacy Guide is perfect for married couples who want to stop merely existing and living like everyone else and instead build a life of impact and an enduring legacy.