What’s in your hands?

An offline summer and prioritising dreams when your hands are full

Summer has arrived in Missouri. It's not even June, but you can feel it in the humid heat that hugs you as you step outside.

For a brief moment, everything is so green and it feels like we're living in an enchanted forest. In a few weeks, the sun will burn out most of the fields and they'll turn yellow and dry under our feet, but we'll be rewarded with blooming gardens in return.

This month marks one year since we moved into Havenwood Manor and four years of marriage for us.

This time last year, Luke was only two months and strapped to me in a Solly wrap, as we unpacked all of our belongings that had been in storage for two months. We had about a month to settle in before fescue harvest and Daniel's 16 hour days began at the seed house.

It's a bit odd to be here again and how much has changed in the last year. In some ways, we thought we'd be further along one year in, but as I try to take up gardening again, it's becoming a lesson in patience for me.

There's an initial dopamine rush when you plant something, and even though you logically know it takes time for plants to grow and flowers to bloom, part of you expects to walk out a week later and see those tiny seeds and plants look like the picture on the package.

A few weeks ago, I went to one of our local nurseries and bought over a dozen flower plants for our garden bed in front of the house. I planted them 20-24 inches apart as instructed, but the tiny plants looked a bit ridiculous so spread out. To be honest, I was disappointed that reality wasn't living up to my cottage garden dreams.

A month later, the flower bed is finally filling out a bit, but it's also sinking in that some of what I planted won't really be in full bloom for awhile. Like the Russian Sage in front of our house. I saw it one of Lydia Millen's vlogs and had to plant some for us. But, I didn't research until afterwards that it takes Russian Sage 2-3 years to mature!

Daniel and I talk often about the dreams we want to build. We have so many big dreams, but limited time and financial resources. Similar to that initial dopamine rush you get when you buy a bunch of new pretty things to plant, 2024 was our own dopamine moment - we made so many big life changes and it felt like things were finally moving.

But then the boxes were unpacked and the news of our move shared and in time, the dopamine rush wore off, leaving us with a Seed House in desperate need of costly repairs and trying to figure out how to spread the word that not only was the Stockton Seed House open again under new ownership but that we were now selling feed and seed (something the previous owners didn't do).

Little by little, we've started making repairs on the Seed House and Daniel has been hard at work building relationships with suppliers and customers. We've learned so much and there has been growth - we're moving more and more product, and yet, we're eager to be further along too.

But to build something that lasts and endures requires slow, intentional growth. You plant the seeds, and then you show up and water the soil and pull weeds, even when there is zero signs of progress. Because what we envision isn't an overnight success; it's going to take decades of little by little cultivation.

Lately, after reading this Substack article, I've been thinking about the phrase "What's in your hand?" from Exodus 4 where God asks this of Moses, and then has Moses use the walking stick in his hand to bring God glory.

God used a walking stick - a piece of wood - and turned that into a living animal.

As a person who has always had big dreams and ambitions, it can be hard to be content in the moment. I'm always eager to move to the next step, to do more. Lately, my mind has been overflowing with ideas and dreams, like a bird flitting from flower to flower, not sure where to land and what to focus on.

When I ask God for clarity, it's the same phrase I hear: "What's in your hands?" Not in my mind, or in my dreams, but my hands.

It's a bewildering thing actually. Because what's in my hands feels like a "kitchen sink" recipe - you know where you make a meal of all the random things you have on hand?

Like, okay God - what am I supposed to do with a little bit of this and a little bit of that? How do all these random parts and pieces come together?

Because I want a clean design - where you get an illustration of the finished product and a step by step plan and when you're done building, there's no extra screws or materials lying around leaving you wondering where you missed a step or if it's just extra back up materials left over (ahem, anytime you assemble Ikea furniture!)

But isn't that what God is glorified in? Taking seemingly ordinary things that don't make sense to us to build something extraordinary? And all we have to do is use what we have and build in faith with what we have.

So, what's in my hands right now?

Once again, like last year, summer is going to be a full season for us. Fescue harvest, gardening, more time outside and in community as the days last longer, family celebrations, starting a new job (more on this later 🙂), prioritizing my health.

This is what is in my hands in this season.

In a way, framing things as "what's in my hands?" has been freeing. Because when I tried to force myself to pick what to focus on and make every little thing fit into a bigger plan, it just stressed me out more because I'm not one to do only one or two things at a time.

So, I need to stop pressuring myself to pick a lane and use what is in my hands right now. All the random bits and bobs. Because my hands are really full, in a good way. Yes, I want and dream of more, but for right now, what I have is enough (and this is not a new lesson for me - God's phrased it as my "sphere of influence" in the past).

Part of this also means accepting sharing and showing up online inconsistently, sporadically and incompletely. Because I want to be okay just being with my family and friends, spending time in the garden, and tending to all the other little things in my hands right now without feeling like I have to share content regularly and writing more to stay relevant and adequately document this season.

My writing and a gift of words and teaching is something I know God has given me, but I'm realizing now that it is not something that is "in my hands" every day or every week. Some moments, I know I have the words, but other times, I don't and yet I try to make myself have "content" to share when there is nothing I truly feel called to share (at least not yet).

If I have something I want to share online, I'll share it if I have time to sit down and write it out or put together a voice note or a vlog. But if there is a week - or month - where other things fill my hands, then I won't write or show up online that week (or month!).

It's a level of discernment that is hard to accept in the day and age that requires you to show up often and "play the game" for your content to be viewed on online platforms.

I know this lack of consistency and feeding the algorithms means my online presence and reach won't grow as fast, or even at all, and I'm learning to be okay with that.

Truth be told, I'm still wrestling with and praying through how we share our family story and building our legacy with others, especially online. I know I want to document and share what we're building to inspire other couples and single women of what building a legacy as a couple can look like.

But mostly, I want to document our journey - privately and publicly - for our children to see the breadcrumbs, the progress, and how the little by little grew into the inheritance they'll receive one day.

This is a responsibility that weighs heavily on me, in a good and challenging way, but it is not a primary responsibility that is in my hands right now, and as much as it saddens me to admit that because I do love writing and creating, it is the truth.

For someone who has been writing and sharing online for 15 years and growing up on the rise of blogging and social media, this whole "scale back from writing and sharing online" era that I seem to have entered since becoming a mom (I identify that as the primary "shift" that changed how I show up online because something about becoming a mom seems to make you a bit more vulnerable and protective of yourself and your family) has really muddled my mind and how I write and show up online.

Anyhow, all this to say, I have a feeling this may be a mostly an offline summer :)

Until next time (whenever that may be!),