This is SO GOOD, Yelena. Lots to chew on here, in the very best way. I grew up in a different environment but came away with a similar mindset on motherhood and marriage. In His mercy and lovingkindness, God continues to invite me into transforming those long-held thoughts and plans. I'm so grateful. Thank you for sharing!
Thanks Kayla! It's such a journey to untangle all the influences that shaped us, both positively and negatively and then to choose what we want to pass on into our own families and homes!
This all seems like an enjoyable exploration - until difficulties arise.
I was a good little boy. I only wanted to lead in a direction that my wife could enthusiastically support. But this contains a fatal flaw. I had learned in the military that you submit to authority in order to maximize your chance of achieving goals while simultaneously minimizing casualties incurred along the way. I was prepared, and in fact did, take orders from men in the church, when they saw fit to give me instruction. And this was most in evidence when my wife started having paranoid delusions. I cried out, “I need help”, to the church. And my pastor’s response was, “I see that if I give you instruction you will comply - but will your wife take my instructions?” The answer was an immediate “no”. In that moment I realized the catastrophe I was risking - my wife was out of control, only truly submitting to her own will, with things getting worse by the week. This culminated, over several years, in a hard pattern - delusional emotions and thoughts for my wife, which drove her to run away (for days and even weeks and months), abandoning the marriage and her teenage daughter.
When my wife was desperate, because she had runaway one more time, after I had set a boundary of no more running away by promising to end the marriage (I had no other credible authority at that point), she temporarily pantomimed submission to the church. She agreed to do what a pastor told her (she had run away to family in another state). But that only lasted so long as she agreed to what was required of her. When she was told to visit a counselor to discuss her personal trauma history, she would not do it. I did it - unhesitatingly. But she would not.
I am still married to my wife, but merely as a matter of law. She lives in another state with her parents. She is estranged from her adult daughter (my stepdaughter). I legally separated from her in order to protect myself from the liabilities she would incur as a result of her poor decision making. She is now in a behavioral health hospital (the 5th or 6th occurrence), against her will, for a term of six months. She is constantly attempting to run away - from everything that might put a demand on her.
Ladies, why do I share this? Because I believe you do not understand the disaster you are flirting with when you reject the notion of authority, and specifically of yielding to right authority - your husband. My wife has become a grey husk of a human being - but she’s “free” - no one can tell her what to do. The hospital containing her doesn’t rely on her submission - instead they force her to obey their rules.
Don’t go down the path my wife followed - make a prudent sacrifice and submit to right authority. This indignity - even our Lord, Jesus Christ, submitted (and submits) to authority. Submission is a wise sacrifice when rendered to the right authority.
Now, I'm not a complementarian either. It is a brand new theory, not taught in Scripture. However I see Scripture as being on the opposite side of complementarianism from egalitarianism. People describe my view as 'patriarchal', but I think the word 'Kurios' states it best.
Thank you for writing this! My husband and I took a compatibility questionnaire as part of our premarital counseling and got the same answers as each other… but they were the “wrong” answers, and our pastor called us “pagan egalitarians.” It was supposed to be a joke, but it didn’t seem to fit us, but then again neither did complementarian. Four years in, we don’t care about labels because we know what works for us and what each of our strengths are!
I'm not married, but I do hope to be someday. And yes, I've definitely hated the typical ideal of a Christian marriage. (Biblical sounding or not) but I also don't want what the world pushes (feminism, friends with benefits etc) and I've been coming to understand that marriage isn't two halves making a whole, its two whole people (personalities, dreams, hopes, fears, likes and dislikes, drama, secrets, sins, weird little quirks etc) blending together to make a new creation. You are not less of a person, before or after you are married. In fact, Marriage should bring out the best parts of both of you, and make you better. And of course you will pick up bits and pieces of their personality as well. And in order to become a new creation, there's some refining involved. So all the imperfections, (legitimate sins, annoying quirks, incompatibility etc) all come to the fore front, because they are being purged. And not all couples make it through the purging. And of course its not a one time event either. All that to say, what I've always wanted in a marriage, is to marry my best friend basically. I want to have a deeper kind of friendship. I'm not just looking for someone to fulfill my romantic fantasies, i want someone to do life with. To fight, and makeup, to get annoyed with, do weird random things, to make me grow, (and help them as well) to learn new things, to have that BLENDING with another person. I want to go to levels that normal friendships can't go.
This is SO GOOD, Yelena. Lots to chew on here, in the very best way. I grew up in a different environment but came away with a similar mindset on motherhood and marriage. In His mercy and lovingkindness, God continues to invite me into transforming those long-held thoughts and plans. I'm so grateful. Thank you for sharing!
Thanks Kayla! It's such a journey to untangle all the influences that shaped us, both positively and negatively and then to choose what we want to pass on into our own families and homes!
This all seems like an enjoyable exploration - until difficulties arise.
I was a good little boy. I only wanted to lead in a direction that my wife could enthusiastically support. But this contains a fatal flaw. I had learned in the military that you submit to authority in order to maximize your chance of achieving goals while simultaneously minimizing casualties incurred along the way. I was prepared, and in fact did, take orders from men in the church, when they saw fit to give me instruction. And this was most in evidence when my wife started having paranoid delusions. I cried out, “I need help”, to the church. And my pastor’s response was, “I see that if I give you instruction you will comply - but will your wife take my instructions?” The answer was an immediate “no”. In that moment I realized the catastrophe I was risking - my wife was out of control, only truly submitting to her own will, with things getting worse by the week. This culminated, over several years, in a hard pattern - delusional emotions and thoughts for my wife, which drove her to run away (for days and even weeks and months), abandoning the marriage and her teenage daughter.
When my wife was desperate, because she had runaway one more time, after I had set a boundary of no more running away by promising to end the marriage (I had no other credible authority at that point), she temporarily pantomimed submission to the church. She agreed to do what a pastor told her (she had run away to family in another state). But that only lasted so long as she agreed to what was required of her. When she was told to visit a counselor to discuss her personal trauma history, she would not do it. I did it - unhesitatingly. But she would not.
I am still married to my wife, but merely as a matter of law. She lives in another state with her parents. She is estranged from her adult daughter (my stepdaughter). I legally separated from her in order to protect myself from the liabilities she would incur as a result of her poor decision making. She is now in a behavioral health hospital (the 5th or 6th occurrence), against her will, for a term of six months. She is constantly attempting to run away - from everything that might put a demand on her.
Ladies, why do I share this? Because I believe you do not understand the disaster you are flirting with when you reject the notion of authority, and specifically of yielding to right authority - your husband. My wife has become a grey husk of a human being - but she’s “free” - no one can tell her what to do. The hospital containing her doesn’t rely on her submission - instead they force her to obey their rules.
Don’t go down the path my wife followed - make a prudent sacrifice and submit to right authority. This indignity - even our Lord, Jesus Christ, submitted (and submits) to authority. Submission is a wise sacrifice when rendered to the right authority.
Thanks for sharing! I’m sorry to hear y’all are going through this.
Oh, there’s nothing left, unless God sees fit to perform a miracle.
Now, I'm not a complementarian either. It is a brand new theory, not taught in Scripture. However I see Scripture as being on the opposite side of complementarianism from egalitarianism. People describe my view as 'patriarchal', but I think the word 'Kurios' states it best.
Thank you for writing this! My husband and I took a compatibility questionnaire as part of our premarital counseling and got the same answers as each other… but they were the “wrong” answers, and our pastor called us “pagan egalitarians.” It was supposed to be a joke, but it didn’t seem to fit us, but then again neither did complementarian. Four years in, we don’t care about labels because we know what works for us and what each of our strengths are!
I'm not married, but I do hope to be someday. And yes, I've definitely hated the typical ideal of a Christian marriage. (Biblical sounding or not) but I also don't want what the world pushes (feminism, friends with benefits etc) and I've been coming to understand that marriage isn't two halves making a whole, its two whole people (personalities, dreams, hopes, fears, likes and dislikes, drama, secrets, sins, weird little quirks etc) blending together to make a new creation. You are not less of a person, before or after you are married. In fact, Marriage should bring out the best parts of both of you, and make you better. And of course you will pick up bits and pieces of their personality as well. And in order to become a new creation, there's some refining involved. So all the imperfections, (legitimate sins, annoying quirks, incompatibility etc) all come to the fore front, because they are being purged. And not all couples make it through the purging. And of course its not a one time event either. All that to say, what I've always wanted in a marriage, is to marry my best friend basically. I want to have a deeper kind of friendship. I'm not just looking for someone to fulfill my romantic fantasies, i want someone to do life with. To fight, and makeup, to get annoyed with, do weird random things, to make me grow, (and help them as well) to learn new things, to have that BLENDING with another person. I want to go to levels that normal friendships can't go.
Thank you! I've been mulling over this for awhile, trying to put it into words. Glad it made sense!