Why I write & my vision for this Substack

Has becoming a mom changed how I show up online?

I promised a two part marriage series this month, but I have something else on my mind this week that I wanted to get out + I still need to pray through and process some of the thoughts in the marriage series.

I am an introvert with an instinct to teach. A bit of an oxymoron, I know.

Maybe it's because I grew up the oldest in a house of ten kids. Growing up, my parents would look to me to help: "Can you help M with his homework?" "Can you talk to A about dressing modestly?" "Can you explain to J why school is important?"

Maybe it's also because I've always felt like everything I do has to be productive and "add value." That every piece of writing must have some sort of lesson or takeaway, as if my unfinished thoughts are not enough.

It's definitely because I have a spiritual gift of teaching. I fought that label for many years, but with age, I have settled into it and stopped fighting it, because I cannot deny that, sometimes, God puts words on my heart and, I cannot hold them in. They are words not meant to be kept hidden, and until I share them wherever God calls me to put them, my spirit cannot rest.

Over the years, I've also learned that I process things best by writing and teaching. I cannot fully grasp a new idea or concept until I have studied it and written it out.

Many times, things do not fully “click” for me until I teach and share what I am thinking with someone else. Only then the lesson falls into place for me.

It's like that last piece is my obedience to put what I'm learning into the light. To share it with someone else.

As long as I hold something in, closure eludes me.

That's the thing some people may not understand:

I teach and write (mostly online in this season of raising littles) for myself.

If someone else is encouraged and inspired by my writing, then glory be God, but for me, writing and teaching is like embroidering by the numbers without a guide. You're not sure what the final image should be, but you follow the numbers, one stitch at a time and it's not until you sew the final stitch and step back that you see what you were creating all along.

Sometimes, you figure out what you're working on from the beginning, but more often, there are plot twists and unexpected detours and it's not until there is a period at the end of the last sentence that the message becomes clear.

This is what writing is for me.

I think that's why I often take negative comments on my writing so personally. When people take my writing personally but they don't agree with my words, what I want to respond with but can't quite word properly is: what you just read was my heart.

I often write in a "teaching" style, but the person I'm "teaching" is myself.

My mom tells us kids to not air out all our thoughts and hearts on the internet. That words and pictures can often be misunderstood.

She's right, I know that.

But I can't hold the words in.

I've tried to not publicly publish certain thoughts God has put on my heart. They sit in my drafts or my journal for weeks, months, years.

But that can feel like walking with a rock in your shoe. No one else knows it's there but you, and it makes every step more and more uncomfortable until you have no choice but to take it out of your shoe and put it out there into the vast unknown.

It's then that I remember Jeremiah 20:9:

"But if I say I'll never mention the Lord or speak in His name, His word burns in my heart like a fire. It's like a fire in my bones! I am worn out trying to hold it in! I can't do it!"

Jeremiah knew that the words God put on his heart would not be well received by his hearers. He was mocked, persecuted, beaten, imprisoned, and rejected by his own people because of what he spoke.

But no matter how many times he wanted to stop, to hide, to go off the grid, he could not.

That resonates with me. I am not putting myself on the level of a prophet like Jeremiah, but over the years, I've come to discern when I feel the Spirit putting words on my heart, and I cannot do anything else until I get the words down on paper.

Only then do I feel the tension ease.

Inevitably, a time will come, sometimes immediately, other times weeks or months or years later, when the Spirit will prompt me to share the words. It always feels vulnerable and makes me want to hide.

But, I can't do it.

The peace doesn't come until I obey.

Every time I say I'm done writing online, the thought pops up: "Not yet, your work is not done here."

And He'll plant a new thought in my heart. Or continue a lesson I thought we'd already finalized, Him and I. And He'll ask me to share it, to not hold it in, to not hide the Light.

My writing is part of my legacy. Long after I'm gone, for as long as the internet exists, my words will be here. And I hope my children read them and are proud to say, "That's my mom."

My ever-evolving dream for this Substack

Even though I write for myself, first and foremost, I also crave a safe space online to share, to teach, to process with other women on a similar path as me.

I thought Substack could be it, but as the platform has gained popularity, it's starting to feel too public.

I love the idea of having posts only for paid subscribers, but I'm not in a season that I can commit to providing a regular enough cadence for an entire year / to justify the paywall + all of our budgets are also probably feeling the cost of subscriptions.

I've also tried a private Viber community - I enjoy for the community aspect but it's not the best place to share my writing since I tend to write long posts and those are hard to read in a Viber chat.

As a writer who is also a mom, I desire a safe space to share. A space where I can show up as fully myself and share what God is doing in my heart, mind and life with women who have similar dreams and values.

Not that I want to be in a vacuum of people exactly like me, but more so connected with women on a similar path as me.

Women who want to go against the grain of what everyone else is doing to build a life that aligns with their values and God-given vision; women who want to build an enduring legacy.

Different ages, different seasons of life, different capacities, different goals and dreams, but running the same race, united in a shared desire to bring Him glory by stewarding well and growing what has been entrusted to us within our individual capacities and unique to our God-given visions, gifts and resources.

Preferably not behind a paywall, yet still enclosed in a safe space from the rest of the world, somehow?

Like a potluck in a secret garden, where each woman shows up with a dish made of what she had on hand, sitting down on mismatched chairs, a variety of ages and life seasons, gathered to share, pray, learn, encourage, laugh and just be at ease for a moment from the life and legacy we're each building.

Where the conversation flows freely between faith, motherhood, homemaking, marriage, legacy, work, health, finances, etc.

Like a regular pit stop to re-fuel and re-charge before getting back to the whatever goals, dreams and legacies we're each growing and building in our own homes, work and communities.

A space you know you won't be judged and where you can trust that what you share won't be fed into the gossip mill, passed around from house to house by women who spend their time talking about others (1 Timothy 5:13) (the modern version is probably texts where screenshots are shared, with "Did you see what she wrote / posted?!").

Perhaps it is naive of me to think something like this can exist on the internet in this day and age, but a girl can dream, right? 🙂

Technically, if we did host a monthly potluck, any meal each of us would bring would cost more than $5 (the average cost of a Substack subscription) in ingredients with food prices right now, so there's that. It's always a matter of perspective, right?

I remember reading the question somewhere: if your Substack was a place, what would it look like? I came across this image in my Substack feed the other day and took a screenshot (but forgot to save the source 😞) because it resonated with me so much.

I don't know if any other moms have also experienced this, but since becoming a mom, I have had this strong desire to "close ranks"; to draw a tighter circle around me to shield myself and my family from the outside world.

I'm not talking like living off the grid, but more so being incredibly selective with what and who I allow in to our family and home. I believe that when we share or post something online for public consumption, in a way, we're inviting those who view or read that content into our world, our lives, our homes.

So that's been an interesting shift to navigate as someone who writes online and has a strong calling to continue to do so even when my natural instinct since becoming a mom has been to withdraw from writing and sharing on a public platform.

Anyhow, this what I'm currently working through in my ever-evolving vision for this corner of the internet and for my writing. I'm still figuring it out, but if any of this resonates with you, please stick around and we'll figure it out as we go.

And if not, it's probably better for us to part ways, and I do mean that in the most kind way and I will not be offended if you unsubscribe 🙂

Also, this is probably written partially under the influence of watching the latest season of Sweet Magnolias on Netflix - love, love the small town storyline and the female friendships in this show 😍