What could have been

Ideas that remained on paper and building with the legos you’ve been given

The first career I remember dreaming of was to become a fashion designer. I had sketch books full of designs and most of my notes in college had sketches in the margins.

In college, I worked as a receptionist for a local car dealership. I’d work the late afternoon / evening shift and Saturdays. Since the evening shifts are usually slow, I’d spend most of my time studying…and dreaming up my personal styling business. This was 2010-2011 when fashion blogs were taking off like hot cakes. Of course, I also started a fashion blog, dreaming of a career in fashion while choosing a more practical college major in business.

I still vividly remember the business cards I made. The headshot I included was the one time in my life I was growing out cross bangs (they’re not a good look for me!) and a red scarf around my neck.

One of the gals who worked at the dealership spotted me working on my business cards and asked if I’d help her find some cute work clothes to fit her postpartum body. We went to Marshall’s and found her some cute top and slacks. She offered to pay me but I declined, saying I just wanted the experience to “build up my business.”

But I never did. I didn’t tell anyone I wanted to do this. Years later, I threw away the entire box of the business cards that never saw the light of day.

In college, a scholarship I received required me to minor in entrepreneurship. One of the entrepreneurship classes required us to carry a journal the entire semester and write down ideas for needs we saw in our daily life and business ideas to address those needs.

I loved that assignment. I filled an entire red mini notebook with ideas. It was like making a Christmas wish list.

Over the years, my creative and business ideas have settled into variations of the same few ideas. I daydream often about them. Claude and I have designed every inch of them. There have been logos made and branding packages assembled.

I love reading about building businesses and brands — my bookshelves are full of books like this, it’s my favorite type of podcast to listen to and I’ve bookmarked so many articles relevant to each type of business I dream of building.

Every single time, I stop just short of actually starting. I don’t execute.

I wrote an entire book back in 2019. The manuscript is gathering dust on my bookshelves. I sent one query letter about it to an agent even though I have the entire query packet drafted. To be fair, I did end up extracting parts of the manuscript and turned it into a devotional instead that I did publish.

I rented a tiny AirBnb in the woods and worked on my book for two days straight. It was a dream.

The reasons always sound legitimate. Not the season for it. Babies. Pregnancies. Finances. Too many good ideas, so it’s hard to pick just one.

But also, I do love my corporate job. I don’t want to quit it. It is an amazing job for a mom with flexibility and working remotely + doing work I am skilled at and enjoy doing. We’re also living off my salary while we build and invest in the seed house right now.

Between the full time job, three kids four and under, three months postpartum, building a family business — on paper, saying it’s not the season is a fair reason.

But I know it’s an excuse.

Because my screen time on my phone will tell you I have much time to scroll. To choose consuming over creating.

I look at women who started building blogs and brands years ago. Some of them I’ve been following since high school. And each time, like a blast of cold air that hits you in the face when you open a door in the Midwest summer humidity, I’m struck by the same thought:

They’re where they are now because they started the thing and didn’t stop.

They kept creating and building, year after year. Pivoting, adjusting, growing families — through it all, they kept showing up to do the thing they wanted to build. And then I wonder where I would be if I hadn’t been put my ideas down right at the start line; if i had built my own thing alongside them, instead of just consuming what they were creating.

Because the time will pass anyways.

And the little by little does add up. I may only have 1-2 “spare” hours most weeks, but it’s enough to build something in the margins. Instead, I spend that time consuming what others are building and “researching” by strategizing the same things with Claude over and over again.

Another sketch from my fashion design era. But actually this one is still a really good idea.

Lately, I keep coming back to this vision: a pile of Legos. A random collection of pieces, mine to build whatever I want with. I can change my mind. I can break it down and re-build anytime. The shape of what I build may change from season to season.

But I must use up every piece in the end.

So when I get to heaven, I can truly say that I’ve used up everything He’s given me for His glory and in service to others. Even the odd pieces that didn’t seem to fit well in anything I tried to build, were still used in the end. Maybe the final structure looks odd to others with the random misfit pieces here and there, but that’s okay, it is mine to build as God gives me wisdom and resources to do.

It doesn’t matter if someone next to me has more pieces to work with or if they arrange their pieces “better” than I do. Or if someone gets to build with magna-tiles instead so their production looks “prettier.”

“Whoever works his land will have plenty of bread, but he who follows worthless pursuits lacks sense.” — Proverbs 12:1

Even with my life at full capacity in this season of raising littles, building a family business and working full time, I know there are still Lego pieces in front of me that I’ve either laid down over the years or haven’t touched at all. I’ll take the pieces into my hands, maybe even start to add them to my structure, but then every single time, I’ll put them back down. Sometimes, I may even hide them under the rug, just so I don’t feel bad for not doing the thing I know I should be cultivating.

Not because of lack of capacity, but because I’m afraid.

Afraid of being seen. Being judged. Failing.

Building something of my own, to me, feels like the most vulnerable thing to do.

A header I designed for a course for single women. It’s 80% written. But gathering dust in my Asana drafts.

I know this reads like an introduction to announce that this time I’m going to actually build the thing, but no, not yet. I say it’s because I don’t know which idea to start with. And it’s partially true.

The truth is, only you and God know how many and what type of pieces you’re been given to build with. It is God who gives us the wisdom to know what to build and how to best deploy the resources you’ve been given, including the discernment to know what pieces may have to wait for another season.

But the execution? That’s all on us. God provides the resources, the vision, the wisdom, and He gives the increase to whatever we end up putting our hand to. But He gives us free will to start. That choice lies with us.

For me right now, the thing holding me back most — more than all the fears — is decision paralysis. Which pieces do I pick up right now? My limited capacity puts even more pressure — if only have a few hours here and there to use right now, where is the best place to invest these precious few hours? Where is the most ROI? What exact tiny seeds and small steps now will help build towards the bigger vision in a later season?

In his book, “Master of One,” Jordan Raynor, talks about the importance of experimentation to figure out your “one thing.” He says that to see where God gives the most increase you have to actually go plant something. You won’t know the true potential and ROI until you actually go plant and cultivate what you’ve planted:

“Just like a crop, the miracle of divine multiplication is not seen overnight. But week by week, month by month, you should begin to see your seeds sprout, your sprouts blossom, and, over time, your blossoms produce fruit at a rate that can only be explained by the grace of God.

Once you’ve found the soil that appears most likely to produce that kind of fruit, steward it well by pouring all you have into it. It wouldn’t make much sense if, after viewing the fruits of the initial sowing, the farmer in Jesus’s parable chose to sow more seeds along the path, on the rocky soil, and in the thorns.

After reaping the fruits of the good soil, any wise and responsible farmer would focus intensely on cultivating the most productive plot of land.”

Nothing will grow if you don’t start and keep tending to what you’ve started, even when no one is reading your work or the sales don’t come. You can always stop, put something down or pivot if the season calls for it or you find something more fruitful to invest your efforts in.

But even knowing all of this, I still struggle to start and to keep working on what I do start that I know has been given to me to cultivate. And that’s on me 🤷‍♀️

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If you enjoyed this, here are two essays of a similar vein (because clearly this is an ongoing problem for me).