We're getting the conversation wrong about women and work

Giving young women more options than just "career" or "SAHM"

I was watching the boys play in our backyard one morning, coffee in hand on a perfect spring day and I had this thought, yet again: “Never did I think this would be my life.”

A lawyer, happily married to a cowboy, a mom, a homesteader, living in a rural small town, a writer, a ministry leader, and so much more.

Not because I didn’t want this, but because I thought I had to choose.

A higher education or marriage.

Becoming a mom or growing in my career.

Homesteading in the countryside or a career in an office in the city.

The Titus 2 homemaker or the Proverbs 31 woman.

Girls are pushed to pick a side from a young age: “career” or “SAHM," as if you’re committing to a lifelong sentence, and if you pick “wrong,” you’re stuck with your choice forever. You're also guilted regardless of the option you choose as each side paints their side as the epitome of “womanhood.”

But are we getting this all wrong?

Often, you pick a side and life doesn’t go the way you thought it would.

You pick SAHM, but you’re in your 30’s and marriage or babies don’t come along.

Or you pick the career, only to realize once your babies are born that your ambition shifted to “home” more than work, so you want to change to the SAHM “side” or maybe a hybrid of both because you’re fulfilled working and being a mom and you don’t want to pick a side.

Because to everything there is a season. You’re allowed to pivot, to change your mind, to grow, to honestly… have it "all."

Maybe it's not all at the same time, maybe not for awhile, maybe not in the way others tell you that "having it all" should look like, but somehow, over the course of time, it all can come together — all the little bits and pieces, the dreams that may seem to contradict one another, the things people say simply don’t go together, the things that matters most to you.

We do a disservice to girls — and their future spouses and families — when we tell them to pick a side, instead of giving them the tools and training to choose, to pivot, to adapt to the season they’re in.

There are a lot of women in my generation who grew up with the burden of feeling like they had to have it all. When feminism told us to break the glass ceiling and be equal to men, but that often meant delaying starting a family, working and carrying the mental load at home alone, getting so successful that you felt like you couldn't step away from your career even if you wanted to (aka, the golden handcuffs), or staying somewhere that didn't align with what you truly wanted.

That's where the trad wife movement thrived. It made feminism the villain and gave women a permission slip to become homemakers and moms, telling them that motherhood and homemaking is worthwhile work too even if it doesn't come up with the promotions or pay that a corporate career does.

And we're back again to swinging from one end of the spectrum to the other: working mom or SAHM. What was meant to give women options and flexibility became two extreme sides of a battle for the modern women, especially Christian women.

What my parents did differently with us girls

One of the things I'm especially grateful to my parents for is that even though we grew up in an extremely conservative Evangelical community, my parents stood out as the outliers in encouraging all of my sisters and I to get a higher education and not rush into marriage at 18 just because it's what was expected in our community (if we wanted to, they would have blessed us in that too - none of us just had that opportunity to marry at 18, nor really had an interest at that point to date with intention of marrying).

They told us that they wanted options for us. That if we wanted to work, we'd have the education and skills to work and afford childcare or have flexible working schedules. That if something happened to our husbands and we had to financially provide for the family, we would be able to do that. That if we wanted to not work and stay at home full time, we'd be able to make that choice too.

Thanks to their sacrifices and guidance, and the opportunities God opened for me, I get to have it "all."

I got a higher education and I got married to an amazing, Godly man.

I'm a mom and I get to keep growing in my career, even if it's a slower pace than I would have if I wasn't a mom, but that's okay, because that's a choice I want to make in this season.

I got to live in the city and still keep my career after moving to the countryside because I can work in roles that offer remote, flexible work at really good pay.

Because of my education and work, I get to be able to help my family build the vision Daniel and I have for our legacy.

To everything there was a season and one season built on to the next to build a life beyond anything I could have dreamed of - beyond the limits others tried to set for me.

And I want that for other women too.

Women do not appear to be thriving in the current workplace options

The truth is, the corporate world isn't made for women, and certainly not moms (this is coming from someone who has been in corporate for ten years, in a male dominated profession and working at some of the biggest companies in the world). There's progress being made, but at the end of the day, it's still a man's world. Arguably, the corporate world also isn't for fathers, but that's a conversation for another day.

Women also often major in fields and choose careers that don't pay enough to cover childcare or offer no flexibility, leaving them in a pickle if they choose to have kids, so they have no choice but to quit because their salary barely covers the cost of childcare or because they can't keep doing the work they want to while also investing how they want to into their kids and home.

I see daily posts in Facebook groups of women asking for advice on work they can do from home for decent pay, often resulting in a majority of the responses being MLM sales pitches or call center jobs. Or, moms trying to be social media influencers, hoping they'll go viral and make a full-time income off of affiliate sales.

We see families divided with dads working overtime outside the home and moms solo raising children, trying to make ends meet, often living in debt, instead of working together as a couple and a family to intentionally build a legacy.

We can eliminate many of these problems if more women were equipped to be profitable in the marketplace in a diversity of ways that align with their season of life.

Putting more women into a position of "get to" vs. "have to"

It is a privilege to "get" to do something vs. being put to into a position you wouldn't otherwise choose for yourself. We all have seasons of "have to's" - when life isn't what we dream it to be, but it's where God has us planted for that season. Seasons of pruning, waiting, preparation, wilderness, hardship.

In my “have to” seasons, it helps to flipp the "have to's" to "get to's" - to see the good in the season I am in, even if all I can muster up is that this situation I "have to" be in is preparing me for my "get to" in a later season.

But, as I recently shared here, as a child of immigrant parents, I deeply feel the responsibility of aspiring to live a life of "get to's." I have this privilege because of (1) God's blessing and favor and (2) parents who sacrificed and raised me to be equipped to live a life where I can choose to have it all, whatever that looks like for me and the season I'm in. And I don't take that for granted.

But even so, it still took me until my thirties to fully bow out of people trying to push me to pick a side and accept the blessing of a life of "and" for me and my family.

At one point, I was all in on the career side while I was single, and maybe someday I'll choose to be all in on the SAHM side - but, for now, I get to have it "all" - not how others may tell me having is "all" looks like but what "all" looks like for me and my family.

All this to say: in my experience and opinion, helping more women get to a place of "get to" instead of "have to" starts with changing how we talk about women and work.

To make it more about having the ability to choose the best thing for your season, and that starts with equipping girls and young women with the tools and knowledge to be able to pivot, evolve, grow, and have it all - whatever "all" looks like for their season and life vision.

This means teaching young women to have homemaking and marketable skills (that actually pay well and offer flexibility!); to thrive as a mother and in the marketplace; to be "complete" and thriving whether single or married.

It's combining Titus 2 with Proverbs 31, as we model and teach younger women how those passages (and all of the Bible, honestly) can be lived out to fit your God-given capacity, season, skills, abilities, gifts, resources and vision. That there isn't one model template for Biblical womanhood, but for each woman and family, it will look slightly different and vary from season to season.

Are team marriages and family businesses the answer?

I'm learning that this best happens in team based marriages and family businesses. When a couple can use their unique skills, experience and abilities to build something profitable together - in my opinion - that is the place where families can thrive.

Because as much as we talk about the importance of moms being present at home with their children, a dad's presence in the home is just as important.

But unfortunately, we live in a society today - post Industrial Revolution - that puts men and women onto career paths that take men and women out of the home. COVID helped a bit with increasing more remote and hybrid positions, but it appears that was a temporary shift as more companies enforce return to work policies.

In pre-industrial times, the home was the center of economic life, with husbands and wives working side by side on farms, in craft trades, or running small shops. Women contributed through hands-on labor like gardening, food preservation, and textiles, and often managed household finances or stepped into leadership when needed.

Even as industrialization shifted many jobs outside the home, rural and working-class women continued to be vital partners in sustaining family businesses and farms, especially as more men began to work full-time outside the home and in cities.

In the 20th century, while cultural ideals began to emphasize the stay-at-home wife, many women still ran the behind-the-scenes operations of mom-and-pop stores, farms, and home-based ventures. Times of crisis, like the Great Depression and world wars, highlighted women’s ability to keep businesses afloat and families provided for.

By the late 20th century, entrepreneurial couples were increasingly visible, with women leading business growth, managing operations, and diversifying income streams.

Today, with more women getting college degrees and with access to digital tools and the internet, women are working in pretty much every sphere of the marketplace.

But, even with all this "advancement," I'd argue that families are generally worse off as a result.

Not because more women are now in the workplace when they "should" be at home, as the trad wife movement claims, but because how we work and the type of lifestyles we live in the U.S. often put families in a position requiring two incomes and/or jobs requiring one or both parents to work outside the home.

With the exponential rise of large companies, more and more lucrative employment opportunities (and access to benefits) end up looking like working for someone else - for both men and women - instead of specializing in a trade or operating a local or family run business.

Now, I'm not saying that working for someone else is a bad thing. For many, it is the best option, but it often comes with more limits than working for yourself, and that directly impacts your home and family life.

More thoughts on this here:

A personal caveat

I say all this but I caveat with this: I'm the exception because I somehow ended up in a career I love that is corporate, but offers flexibility, a remote work and excellent pay (I recognize this is a unicorn opportunity and a major blessing!).

I get to work from home, we can afford a nanny and my pay is providing us financially with the ability to accelerate building many of our family dreams. For example, we can invest more in the Seed House to grow it faster by living off only my salary.

So, don't get me wrong - I'm not saying women should not choose the corporate path. In fact, I think the corporate path can be the best fit for some women and professions, but only if the corporate path aligns with your life and family vision and goals.

Since we met, Daniel and I both knew that both of us staying in corporate was not in line with our ultimate vision and what we wanted to build. Daniel being in corporate for seven years was the best option for a season - his experience working at John Deere prepared him really well to build up our family business now and to make financial decisions that ultimately contributed to allowing us to get to where we are now. What he learned while in corporate is helping him grow the seed house business so much faster.

But now we’re in a different season, where corporate is still funding our life and family dreams even as we also work on building our family enterprises. I don’t know yet how my work in corporate will evolve in future seasons (I think ideally I’d love to go to part-time work eventually), but for now, me staying in a corporate full-time role is the best thing for our family.

And, all of this is because my choices around work have put me in a "get to" position where I am able to pivot and grow in my career depending on my season of life, and help build our family vision financially without neglecting my primary responsibility to my husband, children and our home.

I get the best of both “sides” and it’s such a blessing. Yes, it is challenging at times, but it’s a worthwhile kind of hard.

A note for the single woman

If there is any single young woman out there wondering if there’s a way to not have to choose between “career” or “SAHM,” I hope this encourages you to remember that with God, all things are possible.

Take your dreams and vision for your life to Him. Throw out the playbook each “side” is trying to sell you about what “Biblical womanhood” looks like and pick up God’s Word instead. Ask Him:

• To prepare you for the future you’re praying for;

• To shape your desires to align with His desires for you;

• To open and close doors according to His will for your life;

• To give you the courage and boldness to step through open doors even if it means a narrow path that is different from what your peers are choosing to do

• That His will would be done and His name glorified in every area of your life.

Growing up, there were so many doors I knocked on and stepped through that people told me a “good Christian girl” should not do. Things that would allegedly make me less “wife” material and a “bad” mom. They told me I’m choosing career and “the world” over a woman’s “calling” to be a wife and mom.

Part of me worried they were right. But I had an unexplainable will in me that told me I couldn’t ignore the dreams and open doors God was putting before me.

Anyone who knows me well will know I didn’t take big life decisions lightly —college, law school, jobs, who to date and marry, etc — each decision was prayed over with a fully surrendered heart.

I’ve said “yes” to opportunities that didn’t make sense to me, but it was clear it as a God-given open door, but I’ve also said “no” to opportunities that seemed so perfect but I felt God telling me “not yet,” or “no, not this one.”

And what a life I’ve gotten to live as a result! But I know it wouldn’t have been this way if I had listened to those telling me to “pick a side.”

Okay, this was a really long one, but it’s been brewing in my mind for awhile so I had to put it out there!