Fall outside, Christmas inside

What decorating early taught me about embracing change and living fully in the now.

I put up our Christmas tree on November 1. That’s when it arrived in the mail and instead of putting it in storage for a few weeks, I figured I might as well just get it up and then do the rest of the Christmas decorations later.

This year, fall has been late in it’s arrival, so for a few weeks, we’ve had the stark contrast of seeing a gorgeous, colorful fall out the window, and a Christmas tree inside. It’s felt a little disconnected, straddling two seasons.

There’s really two camps of Christmas decorators: you either do it first thing in November, or you wait until after Thanksgiving. It’s the same for how we approach life seasons: there are those who are good about stepping into a new season while still in a previous season, while others wait until they’re deep into the new season to adjust accordingly.

As someone who talks a lot about preparing for what you’re praying for, I’m realizing I actually am not so good at living it out in practice.

My life seasons changed fast. Really, really fast. I went from single and focused on my ministry and career until I was 29 and then in what feels like a blink of an eye (but really it’s been 5 years?!) and now I’m a wife, mom x2, a city girl living in the country, and working in a career I never even knew existed and yet is somehow a perfect fit.

It feels like a hard pivot. Not a gradual shift but a hard point of rotation that also somehow was years in the making?

It’s like I’ve been transported to and dropped into a different life season. And that kind of feels like being a teenager again, unsure of who I am and spending more time looking at what others are doing and building, hoping I can gleam an idea for my own sense of direction.

But this time, it’s a different kind of awkward, because I do have more maturity and a stronger vision and foundation than I had as a teenager, but, sometimes, who I was in a past chapter of my life - keeps me back from stepping into something new.

Maybe this is what they call a midlife crisis. Which could be accurate, TBH. We celebrated my dad’s 70th birthday in September and I realized that I’m halfway to where he is (!!!).

I was listening to a podcast the other day where Lara Casey talked about her pivotal moment of figuring out how she wants to live the second half of her life, and although I don’t think I’m quite there yet since we’re deep in the building our family and life stage, it does feel like a pivotal change in life seasons that warrants carving out moments to slow down and ask: “How do I want to live out this chapter of my life?”

The thing is, Daniel and I are clear on the big vision and direction for our family life, but as we find ourselves in this middle of actually building out our vision, I feel like I’m playing catch up to become the woman of that vision?

It’s almost like I keep thinking that the version of me that belongs in the vision is somewhere in the future, and yet, I’m now realizing that actually this is it. I can be now who I envision becoming, even if it’s an “in progress” version.

I’ve had a lot of moments lately where I look at our kids and can’t wrap my mind around how fast they’re growing. I know people say that all the time, but it’s different with your own kids. Especially for moms who have kids close in age and it feels like so much of their childhoods are spent in a brain fog of changing hormones, pregnancy, sleepless nights, teething, etc.

In those moments, I get this deep desire to just slow it all down. A reminder that this is it. These days of building the beginning of our family vision are part of the vision. An integral, foundational part that I don’t want to miss because the full picture isn’t yet complete.

It’s putting up a Christmas tree up when it is full on fall outside; building a future season while being present in a current season.

It’s acknowledging that the current season is fleeting, even when the next season and future vision feel slow in coming.

It’s living out who and what you want in the future even when what you envision isn’t quite yet here.

It’s embracing the parts of who you were in a past season of life, even as something new is in the works as you step into a new season of life.

There will be disconnects; things not quite fitting together; an awkwardness in the pivot.

But eventually you catch up and who you are and the season you’re in align - but even that will feel like a brief moment in time, because life seasons will continue to change and you find yourself adjusting and becoming someone new again.

P.S. I’ve been quiet online the last few months. I may do a catch up update soon, or I may not. Lately, I’ve had zero desire to show up online, so currently, I’m it taking it one day at a time to see what feels right about sharing online.