I don't judge other women, but I do let them live rent free in my mind

We're misunderstanding "keeper of the home" and it's destroying our homes

Lately, I've been feeling really weighed down by all the strong opinions on womanhood. There is an overwhelming amount of content and commentary about how women should live.

We are so influenced today. And often not just in one direction. But in multiple, competing directions that don't even work together so you're literally chasing your tail trying to become something that may not even be important to you or align with your values and vision.

I'll be honest: I struggle with this. It can be hard for me to consume certain content without making it personal (ahem, trad wife content or conservative complementarian teachings).

Some say that your sore spot is what you envy in others or judge others for.

It's true for me, partially. I do envy women that come most alive in motherhood and homemaking. Even though I love being a mom and I enjoy keeping a home, I still often feel clumsy in it and I wouldn't say it's the thing that makes me come alive like it does for other women.

If I am in a healthy mindset, I can frame this envy into something good. I can take what applies to me, my season and my life and leave the rest.

For me, a healthy mindset is really just being firmly rooted in what matters to me and my family. It's keeping my hands and mind busy with the things the Lord has tasked me with today. It's knowing what is important to me and my family. It's recognizing my season. It's keeping my eyes on our family vision, not on someone else's lane.

But if I'm not in a healthy mindset, watching how other women live and look like can make me go down some dark spirals.

I see another woman - her lifestyle choices, or her style, or her looks, or her words / photos / videos and I allow her to move into my mind rent free.

To tell me what my marriage should be like; how I should spend my time; how to mother; what to wear; the kind of life or home I should have.

Sometimes, it's good, encouraging, life giving things. But more often, it's draining and negative - not because the other woman phrased it that way necessarily, but because I allowed it to become that in my mind.

It nags, doubts, destroys who I am and what I am building... little by little.

I've been thinking about Proverbs 14:1 lately:

"A wise woman builds her home, but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands."

The thing is, I don't think that the foolish woman sat there and thought to herself, "Hmm, let me intentionally go and destroy my home."

I think it was more subtle than that. Maybe even unnoticeable at first.

Like when she saw that her friend's husband does the cooking at their house, and she let a thought sneak into her mind that her husband never cooks. Every time her friend posted another meal her husband made, there went another drop of resentment towards her own husband.

Or when an influencer posted about making meals from scratch in a $300 dress that doesn't have a single stain on it and in the perfect custom made farmhouse, and the foolish woman looked down at her clothes covered in spit up and her kids eating the same thing yet again - oh and their house still has worn out oak cabinets, not the trendy painted ones - and so she called herself a failure for not cooking every meal from scratch, for the stains on her clothes and for the house that isn't Pinterest worthy.

Or when yet another voice proclaimed that a woman's highest calling is in the home and choosing to stay in the workforce was hurting your children and not what God intended for women, and the seed was planted in the foolish woman's mind: I am a bad mom for having a paid job.

Or she'll see a woman who seems to do it all, and she'll wonder "How can she do all that and I can barely keep up?"

The truth is: most of these things are not ever said aloud.

They're little blips in our minds: thoughts that at first just pop in and out, no harm, no foul, but with time, if encountered often enough, make for themselves a cozy spot in your mind and put down roots to stay awhile.

We scroll and we watch other people's highlight reels. We take in their advice and recommendations.

We think it doesn't impact us. It's just pictures. Just reels. Just words. It's helpful; inspiring, relatable.

But we miss the cracks in our homes caused by the influences we deem to be insignificant.

A little lost respect for your husband and annoyances at things in your marriage.

A house that grows less appealing and more crowded with stuff we were influenced to buy but likely wouldn’t have ever bought for ourselves if we didn’t see that she had it first.

Kids that seem to be worse behaved than her kids and goodness gracious, will you stop pulling at my pants and fighting over that toy so mama can scroll in peace for a minute?!

Dreams that change to look suspiciously like what everyone else is chasing after.

Wardrobes that start to look a lot like all those ads and influencer style posts we scrolled past.

All because we scrolled, looked, liked, followed, subscribed. We saw something appealing and we give it our attention, "Come into my mind. Take a seat.”

So, that foolish woman? My theory is that's how she tore her house down:

She let her guard down and allowed herself to be influenced by all the voices out there trying to tell her what a Christian woman should be and do. She left her guard post, her home, her sphere of influence to mind someone else's business.

(Yes, I do believe that putting your career over your family is included in “minding someone else’s business.” This happens not because women work outside the home / full-time, but when you give excessive time & attention to things outside your “home” at the expense of your home and family life - we’ll unpack this next, but I do believe it is possible for women to do paid work and still be a “keeper of the home” because “home” includes economic activity).

It's actually a tale as old as time:

"They are the kind who work their way into people's homes and win the confidence of vulnerable women who are burdened with the guilt of sin and controlled by various desires" -2 Timothy 3:6

Ellicott's Commentary on this verse describes this as women under the influence of false teachers, "to the utter destruction of all true, healthy, home life."

It's when you're so busy chasing other things, giving them your thought, attention, money, that you neglect your God-given sphere of influence.

A preoccupied, distracted mind leads to an unguarded home, and a home without a keeper is prone to attack.

It's why I don't think when Titus 2:5 tells older women to teach younger women to be keepers of the home, it's only talking about teaching domestic skills.

It's so much deeper than that.

Here are some definitions for this phrase in Titus 2:5 that are rarely taught: "guardians of the house," "minding their own family affairs and not gadding abroad / being busy bodies," "not roving about idly."

The Greek phrase here can be translated into two different ways:

Oikos and ouros

or

Oikos and ergon

The common root is "oikos," meaning house, household, family, or home.

Note, this word doesn’t just mean a physical home, as we narrowly interpret it today in our Western world (i.e., a stay at home mom focused on homemaking and raising children).

BibleHub.com cites that the Greek word used for “home” in this passage also includes extended family, close friends, economic activity (aka paid work), and religious instruction:

• In ancient Greek and Jewish culture, the "oikos" was a central unit of society. It encompassed not only the immediate family but also extended family members, servants, and sometimes even close friends.

• The "oikos" was a place of shelter, economic activity, and social interaction.

• In Jewish tradition, the household was also a place of religious instruction and practice, with the family playing a crucial role in the transmission of faith and values.

"Ouros" means guardian, a guard, beware.

"Ergon" means work, deed, action, task, labor.

The common way we interpret “keepers of the home” is to focus on domestic work or tell Christian women they should be stay at home moms (“ergon”).

But we leave out the other part, “ouros,” which is arguably even more crucial: a woman's call to be a guardian of her home.

In 1 Timothy 5:13, Apostle Paul tells Timothy to teach the women in his church to not be idle, going from house to house (Greek word: "oikias", a more narrow variation of the word used in Titus 2 meaning house, household, dwelling).

Because by leaving their house and going to someone else's house, these women became "gossips" and "busybodies," idle, talking about things they shouldn't.

The Greek word for "busybodies" in 1 Timothy 5 means to spend excessive time and effort where it doesn't belong (or should not happen).

Do you see the parallels?

Titus 2 talks about women working at home, keeping the home, guarding the home. 1 Timothy 5 talks about the dangers of women leaving their posts and work to meddle in other people's business.

So maybe, it's not so much about teaching homemaking skills (although important and a part of this), but more about being faithful within your own sphere of influence (your home, family, close friends, local community, the work God has given you to do) and staying out of other women’s “business”.

Because is it really any of my business to look into so many other women's lives & homes?

Thanks to social media, we don't even have to physically go to another home to be a busy body. You just pull up your phone, scroll and you're in someone else's "business" (her home, her family life, her vacation, her honeymoon, her personal life).

Before you know it, 30 minutes have passed, you missed what your husband was trying to tell you, didn't notice the mess your child made, the potatoes overcooked, you pressed buy on yet another advertised item, and a few more women have moved into your mind to influence you and make you believe what you have is not enough and tell you how you should live.

Your mind and attention went where it doesn't belong - to mind someone else's business - at the expense of your own business in your own home, your own family, your own work.

So, no, I don't struggle with judging other women for their choices.

But I do let them live rent free in my mind when I allow myself to be influenced to be more like her; but her life is not the sphere of influence God entrusted to me and when I pay too much attention to her, I cannot also be a faithful steward of my home.

I've been trying to be more on guard against this, and here's a system that helps: When I see content from another women that wants to set up house in my mind, I prayerfully ask:

1. Does this align with our family vision? (This is part of our family “strategy screen” questions)

2. Is this a priority for me / us in this season?

For example, I see a homemaking vlog of a woman making milling flour from scratch and I think that maybe I should be milling my own flour. So, I prayerfully seek to discern:

1. Does milling flour align with our family vision? Well, we sell seeds to customers who mill their own flour, and we do want to make more of our food from scratch and step away from so much processed food. So, yes, fresh milled flour fits into the kind of lifestyle we envision for our family.

2. Okay, next question then: is milling my own flour a priority in this season? No, it's not. In fact, I can think of many other more important things to our family than investing our time and money into milling our own flour.

So, I usher that woman out of my mind. Milling flour may be a priority for her home, but it is not for mine. Which means, I don't make room for her life choices to live rent free in my mind making me feel guilty for not milling our own flour.

I don't listen to her telling me that this is the best thing, because I get to decide what is best for my family, not anyone else.

And I am truly serious about this whole milling flour thing. I saw a homemaker vlog showing a woman milling her own flour and then we recently had a customer come by the seed house again to buy more seed to mill their own bread flour, and my mind was like: should I be milling our own flour?

So, when I say there are thousands of different influences trying to build a stronghold in our minds to destroy our homes from within, I do mean even the tiny little thoughts that seem insignificant and the “inspiring content” - when added up, all the hours we spend on social media can actually do a whole lot of damage.

Even if it is a good thing, it doesn't mean it's edifying.

Even if she means well, it doesn't mean it is for you.

To me, the wise woman is the one who can come in contact with another woman and appreciate the other woman’s beauty, knowledge, and life without feeling the pressure to make it her own.

Instead, her hands are busy building her legacy and she carefully vets and chooses her teachers and whose influence she sits under.

Friends, please, please, let's not allow other women to hijack and destroy our legacies. Don't build your legacy on the shifting sand of someone else's opinions, preferences and views.

Get clear on the legacy you want to build. Guard it fiercely. Work at it diligently.

To try to do the same thing as someone else is futile. Keep your eyes on your own paper and mind your own business.

And yes, I recognize that there are women who read my writing and consume my content, and perhaps learn something from me and our life, but as I've shared, my intention in writing and sharing what I'm learning is not to influence someone to become like me, but to process my own thoughts and point others to Jesus.

Because I don't want my life or legacy for you. I want God's best for you and I know that it will look different from the story God is writing for me and my family.

P.S. I recently read this post and I can’t stop thinking about it. So many things about social media that I don’t think we want to hear, but we need to hear.

Another way I’ve been battling all these influences is deleting my Instagram app for a couple days at a time. I’m not quite ready to delete Instagram permanently, but taking these “breathers” from IG influences is helpful.

Why I'm Leaving Instagram in 2025